It has been a long road for me since the beginning of this year. It seems like I have started down a road, moved off into the woods, gotten lost, attacked by bears, found my way back onto the road broken a bleeding and maybe…..just maybe am emerging into the sunshine again.
I thought back in February that I was in a position mentally and emotionally to start new relationships, meet new people after the loss of my wife. Looking back now I realize I was very naïve in believing I was ready. However, if there was one thing I decided at that time that has stuck with me it was that I was determined to be honest with myself and with anyone I met and as genuine as possible. I do not need to pretend to be someone I am not, I do not need to put up a picture to the world. I have fought through parenthood, and cancer and caregiving to reach where I am. I see no point in being someone else.
So at the outset of this journey I was not ready but thought I was and as a result I alienated some people that I should not have. Mainly because I projected my own hurt and my own problems onto them. This was not fair, and I am sorry for it. I do not believe I hurt them in any way, but I am embarrassed that I caused them even an iota of concern or upset.
In the Spring I met someone who literally set me back almost a full year. I wrote about that in my blog entry titled “Venting”. I won’t re-write it, except to say that I lost months of the year endlessly recycling the hurt and pain of that episode and feeling used and violated.
My trip to Turkey in June and July over Ramadan was very good for me. It allowed me space to find myself spiritually. Doing Zikr, praying Taraweeh, meeting genuinely friendly people who wanted only to welcome me. It was glorious and helped renew my faith and my belief in fundamental goodness. I left Turkey feeling so loved and so accepted that if I could find a way to move there or transfer my job there I would do it instantly.
So today I believe I have stepped from the forest into the sunshine. I am a bit more settled in my soul. I am looking forward and I am shaking off the last vestiges of deep sadness from the death of my wife. I will carry a piece of her with me always, and I will always be touched by and learn new things from this sorrow. But it is time to be happy again, it is time to live again. It is time to find the new me and embrace him and welcome him as a brother back into my life.
May God always make it easy for me.